Sunday, July 02, 2006

Overheard at a bar last night

Honest to goodness, I overheard the following conversation last night at my local tavern, where I go occasionally to enjoy a pint and play darts.
It was about 9:30. I was sitting at the bar by myself. In walked these two girls. Both looked to be about 21 or 22.
They sat down alongside me.
And here's how it went (of course, I forget the exact words, but this is a faithful reconstruction):

Bartender: Hello, girls.
Girl 1: Hi.
Girl 2: Hi, N---.
Bartender: What'll you have tonight?
Girl 1: Can I have a bottle of Miller Lite?
Girl 2: Do you have any non-alcoholoic, fruity-type drinks?
Bartender, incredulously: What, did you stop drinking?
Girl 2: No, it's just that I totaled my car last weekend. I wasn't drinking or anything, but I was text-messaging [on her cellphone] and when I looked up, I saw that I was gonna rear-end this stopped car ...
Bartender: What?
Girl 2: ... and so I swerved to miss it and then I hit this tree and my car bounced off and then I slammed into another tree in the front yard of this house.
Bartender: You're kidding! You're lucky you didn't slam into the house! Were you hurt?
Girl 2: No, but my friend wasn't wearing his seat belt and his head bounced off my windshield and he got a concussion and bit a hole in his lower lip.
Bartender: Jaysus [it's an Irish pub] ...
Girl 2: And now I'm kinda scared, so that's why I want a fruit drink. You know, my airbags never went off. Do you think I should sue?


And now, my friends, you know precisely why it is that the more people I meet, the more I love my cats.


C~ said...

You make me laugh, Michael... What bizarre beings people are.

Michael said...

Yes, indeed. And, unfortunately, I can neither live with them nor without them. If karmic bribes can be made to the powers that be, I would like to try to arrange to come back as a cat, if I'm to come back at all.

Tom said...

Do you remember the Saturday Night Live skits, many years ago [based on respectable science, I am certain], "Toonces, the cat that can drive a car"?

I think you should reconsider your negative appraisal of us humans AND don't allow your pets to text-message when they meow and leg-rub you into handing them the car keys for a little late-night carousing!

Tom said...

Here, btw, is a synopsis of one episode of "Toonces the cat that can drive a car." Very instructive to the CAT v. HUMAN text messaging and driving discussion we are having.

December 2, 1989 host: John Goodman — "Toonces & Martians." Brenda and Lyle are out with Toonces when they are approached by Martians. Toonces escapes and drives into a nearby forest rangers building. He types out a message that his family is being held captive and persuades the rangers to get in the car with him. Over the cliff they go. After reaching the Martians, they all go for a ride in the Martians spaceship, with Toonces piloting. They crash into the Washington Monument.

With this evidence, Michael, I am hoping that you will now back off on your absurd assertion that cats are better drivers than humans.

Matt Kohai said...

Michael - that's a "holy cow" moment right there... I suppose my big question would be, "Who on Earth does she think she's got a chance of suing?" There's gotta be more to that whacked-out story than she's letting on in the conversation...

I'm reminded of the title of my "Dilbert" '06 desk calendar - "I Love My Co-Workers Until They Talk."

Michael said...

Hey Tom,
I'll pick the cat every time.

Hi Matt,
All we can do is hope some people choose not to breed.

Phats said...

Interesting story, cell phones can be a danger to the road no doubt

Happy Fourth of July my friend!

Michael said...

Thanks, Phats, have a great holiday, too! I hope your medical report was a good one.

Pierre Turlur said...

Sure, but in fact, they do breed...
I have got a daughter...

Be well, Michael


Michael said...

Hi Pierre,

We all have momentary lapses of reason. There's a difference between that and being an inveterate fool. I could never consider you in that latter category.

mall said...

I don't know whether to laugh or weld roll bars inside my dinky Corolla. Scary stuff! Isn't it illegal to use a cellphone while driving in your state?


Michael said...

Hi Mall,

Good to hear from you! Yes, it's illegal in New Joisey to use a cellphone while driving (unless you're using one of those hands-free devices), though I have been guilty on many occasions of breaking this law. Mea culpa.
But text messaging, which requires much more focus on the phone keypad (to the exclusion of focus on just about everything else, including the road), that's another story.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.