My previous post elicited an e-mail from a friend that made me end the mini-pity-party I was holding for myself.
She expressed concern over how I was doing, and offered to meet to chat things over.
This woke me up.
I don't regret that last post, even though, upon reflection, I was tempted to delete it. Through this blog, I've chosen to reveal myself as I am, strengths, weaknesses and everything in between.
Of course, I can present the illusion that I hold things together every waking moment of my life. I can give the impression that I am a rock of indomitability. I can convey the impression that I always prevail.
Nonsense. Most readers are too smart for that crap.
In Japanese ceramics, particularly in vessels used for the tea ceremony, it's the imperfections that often serve to make a piece intriguing. A masterpiece, even. I need to keep this in mind as a counter to my often unrealistic stoicism.
Anyway, here's the e-mail I sent to my friend in reply, with a couple of abridgements for the sake of confidentiality:
First, thanks so much for your extraordinarily kind note. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, is all. In small doses, life's setbacks are easier for me to process than when several things converge at once. But, that's life. Tough shit. I'm almost tempted to erase that blog post because it is so patently self-pitying. But, I feel I ought to leave it up because it reflects the reality that things don't always go my (our) way, and I (we) don't like when that happens and I (we) tend to get pissy about it. The only people I know who are fairly constant in their emotions are those on Prozac. Not that I'm condemning the pharmacological approach; people need to do what they feel is best, and sometimes that approach is best.
When I'm feeling generally positive, my true feelings on human nature tend to be overshadowed and cast into the background. When I'm having a bad day, the cynic and misanthrope in me is allowed to come out and play.
I just got back from the gym, so I'm in a better frame of mind. ...
You're so very kind to offer to chat, and I deeply, deeply appreciate it. But first I have to make sure I'm good company for myself, and then I can be good company for a friend. ...