Monday, January 02, 2006

Four days and counting ...

My long-awaited and highly dreaded consultation with a surgical oncologist is set for Friday at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in Manhattan.
I've been through these consultations before, and each time is like the first time. All the terror and uncertainty come flooding back.

This meeting became necessary after the failure of surgery in August to completely remove the tumor blooming in the fertile ground of the farthest reaches of my chest.
It's very likely that this doctor is going to suggest still another procedure, which would be my fifth surgery in four years. (You can read about my odyssey here.)
I was told that this surgeon has dealt with other cases involving parathyroid cancer in hard-to-reach parts of the body.
This is heartening.
Now the question becomes whether I want to go through another surgery, when each of the previous ones has been unsuccessful.
It's becoming a question of quality of life.

-----

A co-worker and friend of mine is a nut for anagrams. He has a gift for analyzing names and all their possible letter permutations.
Tonight, on a whim, he came up with an anagram for my first and last names: HEALTH MIRACLE.

31 comments:

LBseahag said...

I think you need to do whatever you feel is best for your quality of life...

you are a miracle, with our without surgury....

Michael said...

Thank you sooo Much, LB.

John said...

Hi, I was actually looking for Dream Interpretation Dictionary and came accross this post. Glad I stopped by

Michael said...

Hello John,

Thanks for stopping by and for leaving your comments!

MikeDoe said...

In your heart you probably already know what you want to do. Whether or not you are willing to accept it yet is a different matter.

Just remember, that between now and then are lots of little moments all strung together. If you can focus on each moment mindfully as it arises then the 4 days to go will not seem so bad. When you focus on only the current moment the past and the future recede. You can then deal with the future when it arrives. Of course, if you have plans or decisions that you need to make then you should make them. Living in the moment is not a denial of anything.

That Was Zen This Is Tao said...

Oh dear. That sounds like such a difficult decision, and I wish you all the best as you think it through.

Michael said...

Thank you, An and John, for your comments. I have been at this crossroads before, for better or worse. I know the drill. This, too, shall pass.

anu said...

Michael,

What shall i say Michael? I wish i could say something wise or healing. And at the right moment, i go so numb or maybe dumb.

Michael you are an amazing person. And i am glad i met you.

P.S.: I totally believe in the anagram interpretation of your name.

Michael said...

Anu, I'm very glad I met you, too. I think you're amazing yourself! And, of course, thanks for your support...
As for the anagram, I just have to clue the doctor in on what the deal is, and let him know he has no choice! :)

Green said...

Michael..

You are in my thought.
I hope everthing go well for you....

Michael said...

Hello Greensleeves,

Thanks so much for your message! I hope I will have encouraging news to share Friday.

Kitty said...

Michael, I'll be thinking about you this Friday. You didn't ask for advice, but when I'm dealing with stressful things, I tend to hold my breath. That doesn't help one bit; it sets off a whole chain of physiological/emotional events. (That body/mind connection at work ... did I hear you say "health miracle?" :)) The more awareness of my breathing patterns I can muster, the better. So keep breathing!

Michael said...

Hey Kitty,

Yes, I sometimes find that I, too, hold my breath when under stress. This is especially noticeable during karate class, but now that I'm aware of the problem, I can work on it.
Thanks for thinking of me!

Mike Cross said...

Michael,

I have noticed that when people read my blog or comments I have posted on the Dogen Sangha blog, they tend to think they understand where I am coming from, and, probably out of the best intentions, they offer advice accordingly. I probably tend to do the same kind of thing myself. But you seem to be one who refrains from passing those kind of judgements and handing out advice.

So, taking a leaf from your book, I will just say to you: Thank you, M, for bearing witness.

passion said...

Michael, I trust your positive attitude will bring miracle to you eventually. I don't have much advice to offer, but just want to let you know that my thoughts are with you. No matter what decision comes out of this consultation, I wish you all the best!

mrsbeach said...

Michael,

We talk the talk
we walk the walk
and in the end
still, we see through the eyes
of a frightened child

I will be thinking of you Friday
take care

thanks for the kind words you left on my blog!

Michael said...

Hi Mike:

Well, I wish I really was that objective. It's certainly something to which I aspire. I think I'm making progress, albeit slow progress. Thank you!


Hi Passion,

Thank you for your good wishes! I'll let everyone know how the consultation goes Friday.


My Dear Beachy,

Thanks, as always, for your concern and your kind words. I hope all is going well with you and yours. A lot of people are pulling for you!

Beth said...

michael: i don't know what to say either. this is a horrible dilemma. a terrifying choice. my thoughts are with you as you decide what to do. it's probably not coming through in this message, but there is a great deal of feeling and empathy behind my words.

Michael said...

Thanks ever so much, Kim. The feeling and empathy shine through, and I appreciate your support!

Jules said...

Michael,
I wish you didn't have to face such difficulties. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

-Jules

Michael said...

Hey Jules,

Thanks, man! I think everything will be OK if I just keep a level head.

g said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow at the Sloan Kettering. Good luck!

Michael said...

Hey g,

Thank you so much. I hope I'll be able to prove that HEALTH MIRACLE anagram correct.

Beth said...

michael: i just wanted to stop by and wish you luck tomorrow. i'll be thinking about you throughout the day. i really, really hope it goes well.

Michael said...

Thanks, Kim! I appreciate the kind words and thoughts...

LBseahag said...

My thoughts are with you as you head off to the appointment tomorrow...


An anagram for Health Miracle is Healthier Calm....

Lone Wolf said...

HEALTH MIRACLE Wonderful. Michael, I hope things go well tommarow.

Michael said...

LB, Lone Wolf,

Many thanks for your kind wishes! LB, I'll have to remember that one!

It's 7:15 a.m. here, and I'll be heading off shortly. I'll keep everyone abreast of how the day goes...

anu said...

Hey Michael, what happened in the consultation? I am very keen to know. I am also very concerned and worried about you.

Whatever it is, do know that anu has you in her thoughts and in her prayers. And i am sending you a lot of my energy :)

Michael said...

Thanks so much, Anu! Your support means a lot, and I'm very grateful for it.

Tom said...

Trackback. This post is cited in Blogmandu, Roundup for Dec 19 - Jan 14 [Part 1 of 4].